barbiejohnson

I am tired, lost and just want to give up…….. I know how to do it and what to do, but cannot find the energy to get up and do it…….. Some days I wake up and am just so ready then I get busy doing everyday life things and by the time I think about it again I am so tired I just say forget it……. HELP!!!!!!!!! If I don’t get out of this rutt I am going to keep feeling bad and probably worse than I already am… In serious need of motivation and support, I want out of the whole I am in…. Anyone out there hear me????

I was so psyched when I got back from Tampa, ready to jump right back into it all, but then I was sick for several days, then Monday I slid on a toy on my wood floors with my bad side of course and threw my back out… Now when I walk,( which I can do now), my right hip acts like it is going to go out and is causing alot of pain… So I haven’t got to go back to the Y to workout….

The whole thing is starting to depress me, I want this so bad for me alone, but I feel like I have a battle everytime I try to lose weight and then I get tired of the battles and I just want to give up… I don’t want that to happen this time, my body is telling me if I don’t do this I am going to get really bad….. So I am doing what I can to get myself back to the healthy state where I can go workout, just feel like I am in a rutt at the moment…..

 Well I disappeared for 10 days… I went to Tampa Florida to spend some time with my husband, he had been down there since August 23, and there was alot going on in our lives, that just caused such a deep depression in me… So I decided I needed to get away from life at home and get some peace in my life… I guess you can say collect myself and do an emotional makeover, and may I say it worked….

I got home Wednesday late, and yesterday I was so sick and extremly tired I didn’t do anything… Today I have alot to do that didn’t get done while I was gone and tomorrow I have a wedding to go to, so come Sunday I am all geared to get back in gear….. I am so stoked at getting back on board with life and I know it will help me with this weight loss journey I have been on for quite a while… But I am not quitting, I will just pick up where I left off and move forward….

Sometimes we have to just stop, breath, and get refired up in order to carry on with the tasks we have put before ourselves, and when extra stuff comes around we need to remember to just breath, otherwise we will get overwhelmed and just completely want to give up!!!!!!!! Can’t do that!!!!!!!!!!!

to all who have prayed for my family and church, i just want to thank you…… yesterday was the funeral, of this young man who touched so many hearts, and he was my cousin, he was only 15……. there were so many people there, we are a small church, our church only hold 200 people in it… then we have a childrens building that was full, then the downstairs fellowship hall too…. we think there was around 350 to 400 people there for his funeral…….. and today the high school in the little town where he went to school held a memorial for him, so a few of us family members went to that, it was sweet, and the gym was pretty full….. at the end of the memorial we did a thing where we wrote on balloons and then released them, it was very cool thing all the balloons stayed together in one bunch even though they werent all released at the same time, they all still ended up in one bunch… all except on single yellow balloon it went off by itself…. was like he was saying he had to go now…..

just wanted to say thank you to everyone for the prayers…………….

I have so run to food today because of sadness… something i do not deal with well when i am alone… today i got a phone call from my best friend, she said she just got off the phone with the youth pastors from our church…..she said there was an accident with one of the youths and he died, then she said i am sorry to say but it was your husbands cousins middle son… not exactly like that but she told me who it was and said she was so sorry….. my husband and his cousin are close, and the boy who was killed was only 15…. there was a car accident, he was a passenger in the car his girlfriend was driving, and they were going down a country road where it curves, but there are no lights out there, and the girl did not see the curve… they went straight and went into a coulvert, the car flipped head over tail 4 times and he was thrown from the car, he died immediately, he was not wearing his seatbelt, she was…. she did not get hurt…..

the youth from our church are taking it extrememly hard, he was a great child of God and got along with everyone…… so just remember out family and the church members who are all suffering from this loss…….. thank you all

I was doing so good, had my mind set, not going backwards this time, sticking to my guns!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT AM I DOING I CAN’T QUIT EATING……BEEN ON AN EATING FRENZY SINCE WEDNESDAY………….

I don’t want to do this, I want to quit eating, I want to eat healthy I should say…. But NO, I have eaten out quite a few times since wednesday, and I feel like I can’t stop….. I lay in bed at night crying because I don’t know why I am doing this, what am  trying to fill? Other than I hate being alone and my husband is back to working in different states, I don’t know what is going on….

I haven’t even worked out since Tuesday. but really that started because I walked off the treadmill and twisted my ankle and it was sore on weds. Thursday I had a funeral to go to that morning, but I didn’t fo to work out later in the day either, and this morning I didn’t get up and go either…. This is not what I want to be happening, I am tired of failing me….. Do I think deep inside that I really am not worth it? I don’t want to think like that…..

Tomorrow is a new day, and I have every intention to do it right, but will I really do it? Just need a little encouragement here, I feel like I am fighting a losing battle… And one day I am going to be the one who is really lost it….

So this week I had a morning when I woke up asking myself why am I really wanting to do this…. Lose weight that is, and I have decided it is for me……. So I have changed things I have been eating and how much, then I was thinking I want to go to the Y again and start working out, but I couldn’t afford the 75 dollar initiation fee….. and i was out eating lunch one day with my daughter and the president from the Y was there, and he also goes to our church and i asked him what the cost was and he said 26 a month and i will drop the initiation fee for you…. guess i am suppost to go there…..

So here is my plan………. I am going to the Y when they open early in the morning, my free time, and then I will do a workout in the evening here at home……. The scale has moved in reverse the past two weeks, not having it any more…. So starting first thing Monday mroning all the really hard work is coming….. Yep thats the plan……….. Now I just need to make myself stick to it…………….. Sometimes it is easier said than done…………

I am tired of my life being a lie….. I tell myself everyday this is the day I am going to do it…. Then I lay my head to rest and I haven’t done a thing….. Well NO MORE………… I WANT MY LIFE BACK…………….. I am so tired of being fat and I am the only one who can change it……….. So why in the hell haven’t I? You want to know why…… BECAUSE I AM BEING PURELY LAZY ABOUT IT…… and where has it got me????? DEPRESSED………SO DEPRESSED I FEEL LIKE I DON’T WANT TO WAKE UP TO ANOTHER DAY OF CRYING OF FEELING LIKE CRAP ALL THE TIME…. I did this to myself, and I am going to be the only one who can change things with me…….

So tonight I worked out, and the whole time I did I kept saying……… I will not live my life another day being fat…….. I will not…………. I want to wake up in the mornings thanking God for another day on this earth, not another day of being miserable…… I am tired of crying every moment that I am alone, because I hate who and what I have become…… I cannot continue living this way without it ending in a bad result to my life…….

SO I AM STANDING UP FOR MYSELF AND I AM SAYING I WILL NOT LIVE MY LIFE ANOTHER DAY AS A FAT WOMAN WHO IS NOT HAPPY WITH HERSELF……… I AM WORTH THE EFFORT OF CHANGING MY LIFE AND I WILL DO SO ALL BY MYSELF…… I DO NOT NEED SOMEONE TO WORK OUT WITH ME, BECAUSE I AM IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO DO IT ALL BY MYSELF…. AND I WILL NOT LET MYSELF GET DISCOURAGED, I WILL PUSH MYSELF UNTIL I CAN’T GO ANY MORE AND JUST WHEN I FEEL LIKE GIVING UP I WILL PUSH EVEN HARDER……..

I am worth it I am above and not beneath and with every breath I take I know God is right there beside me telling me to never give up, because He has planned a long and happy life for me……………

I AM WORTH THE BREATH I TAKE EVERY DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG!!!!!!!! what was i thinking, saying i would take the challenge?  so here it goes…. ALLLLLL I have done today is eat, eat, eat, and what can I say other than… STOP!!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING??????? YOU ARE PLANNING A TAMPA TRIP AND YOU LOOK LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!! Now on the positive side, well I am done eating for the day… Why????? because I am fixing to go to bed……So that means i was eating and now i am not!!! what a way to look at it……..

Thinking positive on a daily basis is a hard thing for me, i am one of those who never has anything positive to say when it pertain to ME ONLY!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am planning a trip to Tampa hopefully at the end of the month, so I can go see my husband he is working down there, and i don’t want to look like this, so i have a few weeks to do something about it… tomorrow is a new day and i plan on working my tail off… So all the encouragement out there send it my way because i am by myself and i am the only one here to push myself… AND THE QUESTION OF THE DAY IS, HOWS THAT WORKING FOR YAH????? WEll that is it, it isn’t so i plan on doing something about it…….. PUSH ME, SCREAM AT ME WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO DO JUST DO IT, AND IF I CRY DON’T PAY ATTENTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!  LOL

so thats about it today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tomorrow is a new day!!!!!!!!!!! positively thinking of course!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks Deb

ok, so the last blog i posted was about all the bad stuff going on in our family… the death of my husbands uncle, and my mothers illness… thanks to everyone for the prayers….. it was almost a week after my husbands uncle died when we had the funeral, but with the prayers things went pretty good, my husband did have a panic attack and wasn’t able to attend, which is something he does when it comes to a family member dying…

my mother on the other hand is doing much better, the dr did a review of the medicines she is on, which is many, and found that she was on 4 different heart medicines, 3 of them she should have come off of the last surgery they did with her pacemaker… and since he took her off those she has started to feel alot better…. she even called hospice and asked them not to come as often, if she needs them she will call…she isn’t having to have around the clock care either, we still go in and help her with her chores and so fourth, but she doesn’t have to have someone there constantly right now…. ALL YOUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN A BLESSING FOR OUR FAMILY AND I THANK YOU ALL FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART……

me on the other hand have just been struggling with this up and down thing… one minute i feel pumped and set, the next minute i am dragging myself and i have the attitude of why even bother…. i have taken some new pics lately, and all the comments back have been you are looking thin, you would think this would help get me out of the slump i am in…. i am even finding it hard to stick to my challenge, i said i would do… i feel like i need someone in front of me just shaking me like a rag doll and saying wake up you need to keep your word to yourself……

so here is everything all in my little blog…. gonna wake up tomorrow with a whole new attitude… especially since the past week i have been down with a migraine, which i have had quite frequently lately, but pretty norm for me in the summer time….. but tonight i feel pretty good, so i will sy tomorrow is a new day, get it together girl, you know what you gotta do!!!